Looking Forward

there was a time

when things were wrong

i wasn’t sure why when

5 year old me wanted to hold my chaperone’s hand

she pushed me away

and chose the white child instead

there was a time

when i was confused.

they would pull their eyelids back

and place their suffocating hands over me

but that was my identity

chinky eyed and flat faced

there was a time

when i was known as “ling-ling”

“chun li”

or “please speak chinese”

with silent fists and a closed mouth

I said nothing.

there was a time

when i was too ashamed to speak chinese to my grandma

in public

because i was terrified of being told

to go back to my own country

when this

was my home.

there was a time

when i was torn trying to be

another version of me

wishing i had double eyelids or a smaller face;

at the age of 12 i was torn between

wanting to be pretty or just Me

but i was tired.

exhausted from pretending

to be like the distant girls

or desperately reaching

for the standards boys see for me

I strived to be independent

strong and secure in my personality.

i would receive judgement

but that wasn’t my priority

my heart opened to things:

what my parents and grandparents have done for me

and the tears they shed for our family.

those gentle hands that held me

they’re weary and calloused with

Love

Survival

and Dedication.

with those hands

they built a home.

under our safety net

we were happy with how we were

unafraid to be seen

with this unique culture as the foundation of our love.

so here comes a time

where i can wholly accept

my eyes

nose

cheeks

and the way my culture speaks

to Me

I now take pride in my identity

even though there will always be

a curious traveler waiting to see

what lies beneath the

american born chinese girl i hold truly

as Me.