Journaling at UD

My sneakers squeaked against the worn linoleum floor as I made my way to the first class of the day. As a trepidatious freshman navigating the sprawling campus of the University of Delaware, I was careful to organize my schedule so I arrived exactly five minutes before each class began—enough time to ensure I would not be labeled as an overachieving nerd that I have come to expect with my physical appearance. When I trekked to the Caesar Rodney Dining Hall, I made it my life mission to find at least one friend to sit with. After all, nothing in my mind could be worse than having the hungry college crowd see an Asian girl piteously munching on her salad alone. It would probably only reinforce the stereotype of socially awkward Asian Americans. 

The weekend brought additional challenges: I spent many Friday and Saturday evenings juggling several friend groups and their various plans, often torn between spending a quiet night in or dancing the night away in some sweaty basement with blinding strobe lights. Almost always I would choose the latter—not because I had a specific preference, but mainly because going out would offer me the chance to show off my extremely interesting and sociable life that I spent with my seemingly numerous friends. My first few weeks of college saw me relive this endless and exhausting cycle of social pressure every single day. It became an emotional but also physical drain for me to maintain control over my carefully crafted persona and I constantly worried over my classmates’ perception of me.

It took me a whole month to drag myself out of that unhealthy mindset and focus wholly on my own self-esteem without paying attention to the influencing opinions of others. I realized over time that my fears and insecurities stemmed from a lack of confidence in my own identity, and I was futilely trying to define my self-worth in someone else’s terms. What I realized over time as I met new people, is that this experience of instability and uprooted identity remains common in all college freshmen, but most particularly students of color and in my case, Asian Americans. The combination of a new social environment along with a predominantly white campus tends to precipitate our identity crisis as we all struggle to fit in to a college culture where we feel like strangers to others but also most importantly, ourselves.

While interviewing several other Asian American freshmen on campus, I found that many of them shared similar struggles in their college adjustment. Jehleen, a freshman at the University of Delaware, discussed the stereotypes that she confronted when trying to make friends: 

“People don’t wish to approach [me] because they have this misconception…like ‘maybe she’s not as talkative’ or ‘she doesn’t party.’”

 These preconceived bias makes it extremely difficult to engage with our peers when we are required to find meaningful connections in the vast college population but also spend time debunking harmful stereotypes along the way. For many, the process becomes too exhausting and they end up forming friend groups with solely other Asian Americans who understand clearly the struggles of growing up in two completely disparate cultures. Other individuals like me end up hyper-analyzing their behaviors to a fault, hoping to please everyone but ending up only depressing myself. It’s definitely an uphill battle, one that requires strong conviction that we are indeed enough, stereotypes or not.

While the journey was indeed difficult, I am happy to report just a month later I am lucky enough to be in a place where I am mentally and also emotionally healthy. Perhaps the most important action I had to take was to know my own self-worth, regardless of the opinions around me that might influence my decisions. There will always people out there who possess misconceptions or judgments on my race without getting to know my personality. I just have to make sure I brush off the negative opinions and find the ones who are capable of building a friendship for my humor, personality, and sarcastic banter. As Elena, another Asian American freshman I interviewed, stated: 

“Our race is not an invitation for preconceived judgment: we should have the right to choose the kind of person we want to be regardless of our physical appearance.” 

We can be studious, we can fun, we can be any kind of college student we choose to be, and it is not our job to prove to the rest of the world that we are a certain kind of person to earn their approval. So for all the timid incoming freshmen reading this, I hope you know that the first few weeks of college will undoubtedly be scary and intimidating. However, I hope you never stress over the perfect class arrival time or a consistent lunch buddy; after all, you have a whole stretch of a year to think about more important things. Find your people, work hard in classes, and above all, be confident in your identity and everything you unapologetically stand for.