Things I Got Scolded For As A Kid
Submitted by Michelle Ewton
Playing With My Chopsticks
In my defense, they look like drumsticks. How will I ever live out my dream of becoming a rockstar if I don’t practice my drum solo? My parents never saw the vision, saying that the only right career paths were doctor, lawyer, or pharmacist. So what if I have no rhythm, as long as you have passion and are confident that’s all you need right? Apparently though, playing with chopsticks is considered bad manners. Something about how it’s rude and people don’t try to drum with a spoon and fork. Perhaps the real solution is that we should just use all cutlery as drumsticks. If you squint enough, two knives can look like drumsticks also.
Wasting Food
I swear the reason they tell me not to do this is because of some weird conspiracy theory they fell for on Facebook. They’ve come up with a new term called “third world countries.” From what I’ve gathered from my parents, it’s a country where people are poor and struggle for food. I call BS though. How can there be people out there that struggle for food? I had dinner at the Caesar Rodney dining hall a while ago, and do you know how many pounds of food they threw out the day before? Maybe 1 gazillion tons of food or something like that, close enough. If that much food could be wasted by a couple hundred or thousand college students in one dining hall in one day then “third world countries” definitely aren’t a thing. If anything, food is in surplus. Facebook also mentioned something about “climate change” that is hurting these so-called “third world countries” and “messing with their agriculture,” but they should really give it a rest. Who would ever fall for something like that? Preposterous!
Not speaking Vietnamese
Okay now listen, what language am I using to write this? English. What are the chances that you would understand this if I wrote in Vietnamese? Không biết, but I would assume a very small percentage. The brain can only hold so much information, so let’s just super fixate on English because most of the world knows it already. As an American, we must use our privilege to its full potential and force everyone to learn English. We must indoctrinate them young though, like force everyone to learn English at school, and they must use it or else fail. And for those who are learning English as a second language, let’s stick them all in a class together where they learn it. Let’s call these classes something like A Shared Second Identity to Model Uniform Ideas And Thinking In Our Nation, or we can shorten it to ASSIMILATION. If you don’t like that though, we can just call them English as a Second Language, or ESL. Not as good in my mind, but works. So really if you think about it, I’m not actually a disappointment who can’t communicate with most of my family. Instead, I am just furthering a good cause for a brighter future where we all are the same and no one has the advantage of having this horrible thing called culture.
