Breaking the Pattern: Intergenerational Trauma

According to the American Psychology Association, intergenerational trauma is the phenomenon where the “descendants of a person who has experienced a terrifying event show adverse emotional and behavioral reactions to the event that are similar to those of the person himself or herself.” In other words, it is the passing down of trauma from older to younger generations in a family.

There is nothing more daunting than breaking away from the intergenerational trauma in one’s family. Especially in the Asian diaspora, it is an ongoing and prevalent issue that is not talked about enough. Being the child of immigrant parents is difficult because you are often vacillating between feeling eternally indebted to them and pursuing what truly makes you happy. From a very young age, you are taught by older generations to act a certain way because it is “right.” However, years later, you find yourself struggling with an inner conflict that comes from you going against the deeply ingrained teachings taught by our elderly figures. This is because as we become older, it is harder to keep neglecting our feelings from the challenging situations we currently are or previously have been in. For some, myself included, there is the realization that your authentic self does not align with familial expectations, which can turn into a sense of resentment and anger towards those responsible for placing such burdens. Despite this, there is the understanding that your parents did not move to another country for a better life just for you to not chase your wildest dreams.

Like many others who look like me, I have been negatively impacted by the consequences of intergenerational trauma. Growing up, I always did whatever my mother wanted me to do. I felt like I needed to constantly please her or else I would not be “accepted” in her eyes. Whenever faced with an obstacle, I would cry or give up; but then I would remember my mother telling me not to cry, rather, move past it without showing emotions. This was especially troublesome for me as I was and always have been a very sensitive person. For years, I did what she said and bottled it in. I allowed others to take advantage of me or went along with whatever was needed of me in academic or social situations. Once in high school, things started to worsen. Holding in my feelings did not cut it anymore. There were moments where I couldn’t bear keeping everything together and eventually, exploded with a flood of emotions. I let my feelings linger for long periods of time and it would interfere with my school, friends, and hobbies. During junior year, I was the most uncontrollable. As a result, I began therapy and was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

Throughout this time, I finally dealt with these feelings and found ways in which I could handle them. Most importantly, I discovered that I repressed my emotions because of my mother. She taught me from an early age to keep going, even if your emotional well-being is at risk. Taking a break to prioritize personal needs was viewed as “selfish,” making me feel as though everything I had gone through was invalid. While in therapy, it was quickly revealed that her ways were a product of her upbringing by my grandmother. Similarly, my mother and other family members had mental health problems. It was at this point that I realized this was potentially hereditary and passed on from generation to generation. Furthermore, it brought more perspective to my own journey and my relationship with my mother. Before, I was not aware of this information which is why I went about expressing myself in a maybe less effective route. I had a harder time having a productive talk with my parents or really, anyone when sharing and working through my difficulties. Now, I think that I have grown significantly and can say that I am always trying to improve upon my mental health. I find that attending therapy has truly guided me and provided deeper meanings to my current or past struggles. Likewise, through being on my own, I am constantly expanding my outlook. I can see how much these factors have made me even more empathetic which has drastically helped me become more unapologetic about what I want in life versus what my parents hope for me while still being respectful and compassionate of their reasons for going about things in certain ways.

Overall, I am proud of myself for how far my parents and I have come. I recognize that the path we took to get where we are now with our bond was not an easy one, but I am glad that we all are trying to show that we care about each other’s emotional wellbeing more than we did before. In many Asian cultures, mental health is swept under the rug. It is not an excuse to not be okay as it is seen as a sign of weakness. Those who are similar in age to my parents strongly believe this as they were taught to do so by their mothers and fathers. Unfortunately, this is a dilemma that many younger generations and first generation kids continue to experience. Nevertheless, it is of the utmost importance to educate our elders on the importance of mental health just as my older sister and I have tried to and are continuing to do so with our parents. It is complicated and uncomfortable, but long overdue. I hope that in the future, we can make even more progress and support those suffering from the detrimental effects of intergenerational trauma in breaking the cycle.